Missing my 5-year old

I sill miss my the one who would be a 5-year old by now.  I had 2 pregnancies but I only have 1 child.  I often wonder what my 5-year old would be like and think about what if he (I think it would have been a boy, don't know why, just instinct) would be here now in terms of our life.  For the first year after losing my pregnancy I couldn't go anywhere near babies.  There were people I knew who were pregnant around the same time and I could not be anywhere near their babies when they were born.  I didn't know how to tell them but it was too painful.  I switched off from holding babies.  It was like a switch to stop me breaking down.  I still think of the bleeding, the awful time in the hospital walking down that corridor and I don't know how mothers who have had stillborns or cot deaths etc cope at all.  I have a small part of my brain that creates an imaginary life where he stayed and is part of our family and I go all quantum and think of another life, another 'verse.

  I guess at some point you have to.  Last year was the first time I had managed to hold a very young child in all that time without feeling awkward about it.  I held a just toddler boy and he was so lovely and it was so healing to hold him.  I've got a nephew who was born last December.  We went to see him at Christmas and he's gorgeous.  He looks like a boy version of Springy.  He's been very healing and I held him.  I hadn't held a small baby before that and 2005 when our little one when back to the stars.
C hasn't really got over it either.  I know I'm not likely to have another child but I always hope.  C's health isn't as good (being almost 70) and I'm almost 40 with chronic anaemia so neither of us are safe to be parents in terms of wellbeing.  I would love to have another little person to care for, to be mother to.  I would love Springy to have a sister or brother as well but I can dream.  

Lunch and voting

Yesterday was local elections day.  Springy came with us to the polling station last night - I always think it's important for children to experience going to the voting station and we discussed how in some countries women can't vote and also sometimes you can't have choice between candidates.  She's been reading some of the Horrible Histories books from the library.  We've also been working through Junior English Book 1 from Galore Park.  I really think GP books are excellent value (got mine from Book Depository which was a good discount) but also contain a lot of what I would call the classical elements of a good foundation in education. 
  
Lunch today was homemade focaccia bread with bean, barley and tomato soup.  We've gone to being vegetarian for now.  It's based on ethical and health reasons.  I don't enjoy eating food that I'm friends with and also with our small budget we were buying some very cheap cuts of meat - not only is it disgusting to think of how the poor animals lived but I do not want Springy to have the cocktail of antibiotics, low--grade soya feed in her system.   

We're in a financial ditch at the moment.  We're having to shop for food and groceries on £40 per week between all three of us.  Somehow we manage but there is no spare and no luxury foods.  Soup mixes of beans and lentils are helpful overnight.  I've been baking bread from scratch (various types) as well. 

Art Class

Springy went to an art class today.  It's at a local outdoors education centre.  I thought her drawings were very good.  They showed a lot of detail.  The art tutors were surprised that she likes drawing in Biro (it's one of those things that annoyed me for a while - here I am buying beautiful Steiner art materials and she likes pen!).
 
Yesterday Springy had a bit of disappointment but was then quite philosophical about it all.  The pigeons attacked both her butternut squash seedlings so we won't be growing these this year. She did learn from it though as we discussed how hard it is for people who have to rely on their crops to feed themselves and their families.  She said she didn't mind the pigeons eating her seedings because they needed food more than her.

Fairs and latrines

We went to a local food fair. Met a re-enactment group and a man from there had specialised knowledge in medieval latrines and parasites - yay - great fun :) Springy had a great time sifting through a box of medieval latrine deposits that included a horn spoon, wooden dice and shells.  They were all genuine archaeological finds.

On Friday, 29th April we watched the Royal Wedding of Prince William to Katherine Middleton.  Springy was not overly interested apart from the horses. 

 

On 26th April we went to a local nature reserve with another home educating family.  We took some tape measures and a ball of string and went about measuring tree trunks.  Springy really likes the pond there.  It has loads of tadpoles and pond snails.  We also saw some juvenile newts.

Happy Easter and bluebells

Happy Easter. This morning we heard the first cuckoo of the season and also watched 2 hares run around the field (they must have been out delivering eggs). We had pink eggs waiting on the breakfast table from the Easter Hare.

 

On 20th April we went to see the local bluebell woods.   It was as if a very large magic carpet of blue was floating above the ground.

 On 18th April Springy was  building fairy boats with leaves and twigs in the garden (she has a lid of a propogator as the 'lake'). She also placed cherry blossoms in the water in case the fairies capsize their boat and used lemon balm leaves as the sails.

9th April -  we had a stunt plane fly over this afternoon. They often fly over the fields near us and over the sea (coming from local airfield). It can be a bit disconcerting when they do the snap roll and the engine cuts out and you see vapour trail and think it's smoke and wonder how "over the house" they are but great fun to watch the aerobatics. It was a red plane so it looked rather cool.

Hung out washing, mowed the lawn, dug out a load of ground elder, cherry tree has blossomed, violets are peeking out on front lawn, guineapigs out in their run nibbling away, hens out in garden grazing, went for a walk with Lily to local shingle beach and Springy has a Scout friend back here for a playdate - and the weather is beautiful blue sky and sunshine.

Ploughing

Springy did about ploughing in her MLB today and lo and behold outside in the field opposite the house the farmer turned up with his tractor and plough. We've now got a beautiful chocolate brown field with furrows through the window.

22nd March - Spring is in the air - skylarks over fields are doing their busy song, woodpecker was hammering a bit, crow was cawing, rook nests are in the tops of trees, and our robin pair kept going into the conifer tree with bits of moss and other assorted nest building material.

13th March - We've been carding more wool too. It's full of bits - bugs, straw, grass seed. However, we have quite a fluffy pile now so we're hoping to get the dye pot out later during the week and make some orange wool. :)

 

4th march - We've had sunshine all day today so we have been out in the garden...digging up ground elder (a bit like spaghetti with its roots - tangles everywhere) - clearing the ground making way for abundance in the summer (well that's the hope). :)

 

 

 

Botany and Pin Map Montessori stuff

http://ellenjmchenry.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/botanyfirstchapter.pdf



http://www.polestarmontessori.com/Pin_Map_Continents.pdf