Missing my 5-year old

I sill miss my the one who would be a 5-year old by now.  I had 2 pregnancies but I only have 1 child.  I often wonder what my 5-year old would be like and think about what if he (I think it would have been a boy, don't know why, just instinct) would be here now in terms of our life.  For the first year after losing my pregnancy I couldn't go anywhere near babies.  There were people I knew who were pregnant around the same time and I could not be anywhere near their babies when they were born.  I didn't know how to tell them but it was too painful.  I switched off from holding babies.  It was like a switch to stop me breaking down.  I still think of the bleeding, the awful time in the hospital walking down that corridor and I don't know how mothers who have had stillborns or cot deaths etc cope at all.  I have a small part of my brain that creates an imaginary life where he stayed and is part of our family and I go all quantum and think of another life, another 'verse.

  I guess at some point you have to.  Last year was the first time I had managed to hold a very young child in all that time without feeling awkward about it.  I held a just toddler boy and he was so lovely and it was so healing to hold him.  I've got a nephew who was born last December.  We went to see him at Christmas and he's gorgeous.  He looks like a boy version of Springy.  He's been very healing and I held him.  I hadn't held a small baby before that and 2005 when our little one when back to the stars.
C hasn't really got over it either.  I know I'm not likely to have another child but I always hope.  C's health isn't as good (being almost 70) and I'm almost 40 with chronic anaemia so neither of us are safe to be parents in terms of wellbeing.  I would love to have another little person to care for, to be mother to.  I would love Springy to have a sister or brother as well but I can dream.